Identity: a jagged little word for a thirty-something-year-old

Identity: a jagged little word for a thirty-something-year-old. 

I honestly thought that I would have it all figured out by now. You know when you’re a kid and you think grown ups have it all together, because they’re, like, old. Back when 30 was old. Give me a break. I have the mentality of a 20-year-old. Surely I'm not the only one. I'm a glorified, not real dignified, thirty going on twenty-one-year-old. Who has gray hairs popping up,  what seems to be, every stinkin' day.

How my mindset has changed over the years. You go from wanting to stay up late, to staying up all night, to being excited about an early bedtime. Because, now, we want to get on the morning grind. We realize how precious the day is. Wanting to wake up early. Yeah, that’s gotta be the big milestone for me.

Identity. Which rhymes with I don’t have any. Which says a lot about myself, really. Laughs. OK, I shouldn’t cut myself entirely short. Of course, I have some identity. Some descriptors I am very proud of are: a loving wife, fun dog & cat mom, devoted daughter, caring sister, a loyal friend - to name a few.

Me reflecting inside, I’d say that I’m an esteemed (once again, laughs)) college grad. I enjoy trying new things, I like to think I’m funny (hoping people laugh with me > laugh at me). I’m creative. Random. Encouraging. I’m an advocate for treating people with respect. I consciously try to avoid judging; everyone has their own story or battle. I’m friendly and don’t mind small talk, talking with strangers, and making new friends. I love helping (but hate people taking advantage of my kindness). I’m also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I’m painfully honest, still learning the art of tact, I’d say I have above average values. I live to love. I’m loyal once you have my heart. My heart is gold.

However, I am not perfect. Far from it, actually. I'm immature. I’m dramatic. I’m easily distracted, hence why I’m usually running late. I’m a dreamer and my mind is always restless. I welcome the idea of change, yet dread going through it, but always respect what comes of it. My listening and time management skills are something I’m working on. I’m trying to be more perceptually aware of what’s going on around me. I’m one who dislikes confrontation but has no problem speaking my mind, if necessary. Sometimes you have to stick up for yourself, others, and what you believe is right.

Always go with your gut. It’s your subconscious telling you what’s up.

I’m learning how to be selfless. Which I believe comes with maturity.

I’m learning to not be such a people pleaser, to say no.

I’m learning to not care so much about what others think of me.

I’m learning to love myself, embrace my imperfections. Honestly, it makes each one of us unique. There’s something beautiful in that. I’ve always been very hard on myself.

I’m passionate about music (firmly believe it’s what sets my soul on fire, in the best way possible; nothing moves me quite like a good song). I love working with my hands. I have a hard time focusing unless I’m creating something. I enjoy gardening and growing plants from seed. It’s risky, it takes effort, but it’s so gratifying seeing that seed turn into a plant that eventually blooms. Retail is therapy (even if it’s just getting out, trying on something new). Writing is an outlet. I love cooking for my family. I enjoy a good cup of coffee… or wine. I’m a planner but love days when I don’t have any plans. I like to be in control. I absolutely love sunflowers. My dream is to one day get lost in a field of sunflowers.

I imagine something like this

It has taken me many moons to figure out who I am and who I am not. Although I still have my doubts, I still question myself. One of the biggest identity crisis triggers I’ve developed over the years has to deal with career and motherhood. Which mainly stem from my insecurities and lack of accomplishments.

When I was a kid, I pictured myself growing up to be many things. A teacher because I love instructing and found so much satisfaction in grading papers. A veterinarian because I adore animals. A hairdresser because I love making people feel beautiful in their own skin. A nurse because I care about people’s well being. A psychologist because words help. A designer, musician, or writer because I live to create. But, most of all, a mother. While the career pursuit has changed over the years, becoming a mother has not. It’s something I hold very near and dear to my heart. A mother to guide, to nurture, to love something much bigger than myself.

Years have come and gone. I’m still figuring out what career cap fits best. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to say that I’m not further along in a job. That’s what I believed adults should do. At times I feel like a failure that I never put my college education to better use. Sorry, mom and dad. Sorry, self. But then I reassure myself that I’m gearing up for something spectacular. I believe in myself, in my abilities. I believe that there are great things in store for myself. I must figure it out and work for it. Something I’m focusing on a lot lately.

Another gigantic trigger is the motherhood topic. This one is quite painful. Never in a million years did I envision what a struggle this would be. If there was one thing I’d want over anything in this world (besides my husband + the intangibles) would be to have a child. No question, no doubt. To bring a life into this world, to raise, to teach all the things, to watch them grow, to protect, to nurture, to love. I pictured a little chinky-eyed brown-haired girl, and a little nappy-haired blue-eyed boy, running around this house by now. Me running after them trying to keep up. To be a mom is everything to me. It’s a vision I refuse to give up.

In closing. I wrote this as a declaration of who I am: the good, the bad, the lovely. A celebration of imperfections, uniqueness, doubts, growth, strength. A little reminder that it’s OK to not have this life figured out by now. To embrace the unknown. Live and learn as I go, because each moment is a lesson. Stay true. Keep dreaming. Keep fighting. Keep on keeping on.

If you ever find yourself in the crossroads (c'mon, we've all been there) ... These books are ones I've read and recommend:

I have not bought the ones below, but seem like fun journals:

    



:)

xx
Katie